i was in a pretty intense meeting the other day at the office. new clients came in with their board members, secretaries, etc. etc.

in the middle of the meeting, we were discussing about another organization that sprouted out of this current one (let's call this company, Company A), by the same orchestra member. i was aghast hearing about this and i just couldn't get past that the Company A was a) okay with it and b) still employeed that orchestra member (who is now head of the Company B - doing exactly the same thing). the reason why the orchestra member went to create his own Company B was because he wanted to the principal in his section and after getting a huge inheritance money, he decided to form his own Company B (instead of - let's say - giving the inheritance money to Company A and perhaps benefiting the entire organization).

the meeting went on, but i couldn't resist but to comment on how wrong that action was and to my surprise, everyone in the room said "Why? cuz he saw the opportunity and created his own? We're not moral judges here - everybody can do whatever it suits them" and just went on with the meeting.

i don't know what but it got me really shocked. am i this naive? i don't understand why they don't think it's so wrong! i'd be so so upset with that orchestra member!!! but apparently not.

am i just really uptight? i don't get it! please enlighten me!

Psalm 94

The LORD Will Not Forsake His People

1O LORD, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!

2 Rise up, O judge of the earth; repay to the proud what they deserve!

3O LORD, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult?

4They pour out their arrogant words; all the evildoers boast.

5They crush your people, O LORD, and afflict your heritage.

6They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;

7 and they say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive."

8 Understand, O dullest of the people Fools, when will you be wise?

9 He who planted the ear, does he not hear?He who formed the eye, does he not see?

10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?He who teaches man knowledge

11 the LORD—knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath.

12 Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

13to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.

14For the LORD will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;

15for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who rises up for me against the wicked? Who stands up for me against evildoers?

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

18When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.

19When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

20Can wicked rulers be allied with you, those who frame injustice by statute?

21They band together against the life of the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.

22But the LORD has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.

23He will bring back on them their iniquity and wipe them out for their wickedness; the LORD our God will wipe them out.

when there are leaves on the streets, i miss playing the piano.

when i feel the brilliant sun shining on the street corners, i really miss playing the piano, however that whole imagery is so so tres tres cliche.

when i savor a delicious dessert, i think "....this is so good! this is just as good as...playing the piano."

then i just read a blog by a pianist, and read all the technical jargons which i haven't had the pleasure (or agony?) of reading/hearing in the last - oh i don't know - years and it reminded me how much i miss playing the piano.

today a colleague of mine said "maybe we form a chamber group?" with what, i said. a ghost pianist? i have no piano. therefore i cannot practice. therefore i cannot play. will not play.

i think of the verse in Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

and i think...perhaps i idolized music (i'm substituting the word money with the word music) before. then i became a christian. now i don't even know how i would "take care" of my love for music, if i were to even have such an outlet.

i constantly feel torn between 2 things - it's never 3. it's always 2: this or that, be this or be that. i don't know.

i still have yet to grow up. i sometimes think that i have yet to reconcile with my love of and for God and my love for...the rest of the world.

i'm sore. the last 48 hrs has been full of physical activities. this is a testament to how out of shape i am.

on sunday after church, i had my usual pottery practice time. it's been very peaceful and almost serene to do hand work. it's been a blessing really. then i went on to biking in governor's island. that was not too bad. at least i didn't fall. but with retro bikes, they were hard. i wasn't too sore afterwards. i thought that was a good sign.

then last night, i had my first hand wheeling pottery class (still part of the same class). the teacher was showing us, step by step, how you mold, manipulate the clay. it looked SO EASY! i thought, wow, this is so much fun and easy. i'm going to go nuts.

3 hours later, splattered with clay, my arms, hands, fingers, shoulder blades, back, legs, everything was sore. forget biking. this is harder than any sport! i cannot believe how tiring hand wheeling is. it is not easy. it is not even remotely serene nor is it pleasant. usually during the 3 hr class, i take a break to munch on something or drink something. i could do neither. i was totally focused and still messed up 3 bowls - none of which were close to resembling a bowl. i was exhausted, splattered all over, just plain tired.

and the whole time i kept thinking isaiah 64:8

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

one thing about hand wheeling is that as you build you bowl (all starts out with a bowl, then to vases, mugs, what-have-yous), you have to keep an eye on the center and make sure the center does not get wobbly. it's a constant and tiring process. you cannot just hope that you just build it up (physically - taller) and that to your eye, it looks good, but it's not - it's lacking the core.

figuratively, i understand that verse. now that i'm the potter, i cannot fathom how our father has created, continues to mold us, tirelessly, to center us, to keep us from wobbling...wow, and he doesn't give up, does he!

so sore...