today's the 5th day in boston - it's time to come home. this morning (and it's still morning), my brother started the rampage on how inferior everyone is, including my sister-in-law's friends. this is going to be one great household for my nephew to grow up in. i mean, i understand all families have problems and stuff, but how to deal with a dad (or in that matter, a husband) who'll constantly think all your friends are inferior?

this was a part of my parents' problems raising us: we couldn't even go to other kids' houses, because they weren't good enough for us. this is terrible of parents.

i can't wait to go to my tiny little apartment.

i'm laughing: my nephew's been running around for 30 min straight, screaming in happiness - totally randomly.

i'm scared.

i don't understand how most women don't wear rubber gloves when cleaning/washing dishes. i've been wearing a very "poor" one here in boston and my hands actually HURT - the skin feels like it's gonna tear and i'm very worried & sad. i've been applying a ton of hand cream but i don't know, it just gets sucked in and still hurts.

am i a princess?

poor hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life is tough with a baby. my nephew is adorable but high-maintenance. he's the energizer bunny 24/7 and he started the tantrums and he's only 20 months old. actually, he started the tantrums awhile back, when he was about 12 months old, so we saw it coming but now he's much faster and harder when tantruming. yikes.

he's the sweetest baby too, always coming to kiss you or hug you and when he sees a baby or kids or toddlers, he RUNS to them and touches them and hugs them and most often, the parents go "what the @$)(*t#$)(*t!!!!!" but some babies & parents like it. weird huh?

life in the 'burbs continues here on day 3, with going to malls, watching tv, dancing to baby music, playing house with nephew, working periodically, dancing more to baby music and clapping, doing dishes, laundry, more dishes, more laundry, never ending baby bathes, etc...

i dunno if this is the life for me!

i read the new york times every morning as i commute to work. i can never finish as my commute is pretty short. so i continue reading it at work and then chuck them.

i'm thinking of not reading the paper for the next 2 weeks.

i'm sick of seeing ads after ads about this diamond ring, that diamond bracelet, this leather handbag, that boots, etc. it's all about sales, all about what you "need," and what you have to get. like any consumer (=suckers), sure, i'd love those too. i want them, because i keep seeing it in the paper: page 3, always top right hand corner, tiffany's. page 2, bottom middle, cartier watches and the list goes on. i can't stand it. i just may have to boycott news for the next 10 days.

but then, i guess i can't listen to 106.7 Lite FM for christmas music either because it plays josh UGH groban and andrea PUKE bocelli.

can't please 'em all i guess.

i like to put in staples into staplers.

i feel very blessed tonight - but also very vulnerable. having a good friend makes you feel that.

my friend L is visiting from her native mexico city. we talked for 3 hrs tonight: first 1.5 hrs about her life; then she pressed me for mine. i gave my usual tidbit: life is dandy, i'm blessed, love my church, life goes on.

she kept pressing.

what ended up happening was 1.5 hrs well spent, not just talking about myself but really being honest with myself. i realized a lot tonight: i am very good at truly hiding myself, what bothers me, what makes me joyous, what makes me....i don't know, just everything. it's been awhile since i've had to totally face myself in front of another HUMAN being. many years of practicing "life is fine," has turned into "everything will be fine, if i keep avoiding my own issues."

it's my pride that keeps myself "in check." it's my unrealistic perfectionism that keeps me "in line." but it seems like a house of cards right now.

i feel incredibly foolish right now, yet i feel more focused.

a poem by vera pavlova

If there is something to desire,
there will be something to regret.
If there is something to regret,
there will be something to recall.
If there is something to recall,
there was nothing to regret.
If there was nothing to regret,
there was nothing to desire.

i cry a lot while watching movies, even tv shows. friends know of this. family thinks it's a personal weakness. today i cried in the middle of the afternoon, because i saw a great movie: August Rush.

expectations were low, very low. i honestly didn't think it was worth $11.25.

okay, to be completely and brutally honest, i don't know if it's worth $11.25. it can be a small screen stuff.

i think it touched me - many times - because of the story. without spoiling the movie, i can just say that it has to do with music, quitting music, teaching music, playing again, on top of everything else that goes on. and i just plain liked the story. good music too. very touching. i highly recommend it.

feeling very up from the movie :)

went to the thrice concert last night, except it wasn't to be. tres disappointing. then sat through the brand new set, which wasn't as good as their studio recordings. overall disappointing on a bitterly cold night. might have to go some other cities to catch them! hmph. i got brand new on the video for a few secs but i don't feel like posting it, only cuz they weren't so great to begin with. do all bands use orange lights for "light show" or were they trying to immitate massive attack? if they were trying to do the latter, well...find some other idea, cuz it doesn't really work.

beautiful saturday morning sky in my neighborhood.

my annual advent christmas candle has been lit as of this morning, along with christmas carols. YAYYAYAYAY

went to the philharmonic's concert last night, mainly to witness this gustavo dudamel phenomenon. the program was as follows:

Chávez:Symphony No. 2, Sinfonía India
Dvorák:Violin Concerto with Gil Shaham
Prokofiev:Symphony No. 5

first of all, i was sitting at the score desk @ avery fisher hall, which i didn't even realize it existed until last night. because the concert was sold out, i had gotten these 2 free score desk seats from my friends in the orchestra. am i glad that i went? that's the question to answer at the end of this blog.

anyway, sitting that high up, you get the entire view of the orchestra, as well as the audience. it was pretty packed and that means about 3000 people in the concert hall, including the musicians & backstage people. that's quite a lot. i was dreading the sound quality a bit as avery fisher ain't no carnegie, but surprisingly, it was okay! perhaps i should sit this far up often (NOT!).

chávez was a fun piece for dudamel to start off with. prolly a comfort piece for him to get his blood pumpin'. orchestra sounded carefree and relaxed. then dvorák with shaham started. the orchestra sounded like CRAP. i mean, i understand that usually when playing concerti, the orchestras aren't as well prepared, because they're only the "accompanying" partner and not the soloist. however, seeing in the program that they've played this piece with sarah chang about 3 years ago, shouldn't they sound more with it? the woodwinds & the brass sounded horrible, cracking and so on. shaham was smooth, too smooth. i don't like that kind of playing. it's too 'debonair' and it doesn't have that gypsy feeling, especially for this folksy piece. he should just stick with bruch, mendelssohn, maybe vivaldi. bright sounds.

i was looking forward to prokofiev, because i know it pretty well, having played it in the orchestra at school (tiny piano part, but it was worth all the boring rehearsal times, as pianists hardly get any experience IN the orchestra), plus it'd show off dudamel as the conductor - finally, something to look forward to.

i'll say this: he has a tremendous talent and opportunities ahead of him. i think big challenges too. he is musical, technically sound, but a big horse like prokofiev 5th, it's hard to keep it together, as fine as ny phil may be (strings sounded good, but really people, flutes screwing up? horns ALWAYS cracking? ugh...why do you even get paid $200K a year to play badly??), it takes a great "maestro" to keep it moving and creating something beautiful. i thought dudamel brought out some beautiful and skewed lines out of it (after all, this is prokofiev), but the players were messing up at some key moments (ugh, percussion group, get it together!).

bottom line: i'm glad i went to "witness" it but i didn't leave the concert with stars in my eyes (like i have before with Muti & Argerich). dudamel is worth the attention but people should settle down and let him grow up a bit. after all, he's only 26.

walked to the farther subway entrace this morning to work because there were yellow leaves everywhere on the streets in my neighborhood. it was beautiful and very peaceful and very fall-like.

lately, i've been itching & scratching (sorry to be graphic) and i finally had to face it today: i'm not supposed to wear any wool (unless merino) or synthetic materials, like polyester, etc. just silk, cashmere, merino wool, cotton only. aren't i so high-maintenance??

then i realized that i'm often like that with my problems. it constantly bothers how i handle certain things with certain problems, and they're consistently handled the same way. it's like my mind is itching & scratching yet i refuse to face the facts.

i'm one stubbornly dumb person.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11

Upon the sin among the Corinthians, see how they muster up themselves for the surprise and destruction of it (2 Cor. 7:11). So it is in a person when a breach has been made upon his conscience, quiet, perhaps credit, by his lust, in some eruption of actual sin - carefulness, indignation, desire, fear, revenge, are all set on work about it and against it, and lust is quiet for a season, being run down before them; but when the hurry is over and the investigation past, the thief appears again alive, and is as busy as ever at his work. John Owen

today was a day full of activities, beginning with an all-you-can-eat sushi (freshest salmon anywhere in the world!!!), then to hot springs and then ending with the car ride with a tape of my own playing, age around 16. HOW STRANGE! it was very nostalgic - wow, i actually sound professional. what happened? and it's funny how you remember every note - literally - and how it came to sound like that, etc. memories of lessons & specific incidents...wow, crazy!!! (that's my crazy parents for you - listening to my old tapes)

so basically today i spent all day with my parents and my grandmother who is 87. i realized that...as you get older, you become much more self-centered. boy, i thought i was self-centered but my parents & grandmother, they would each try to compete with each other to up-one each other's stories about who they were/are. it's cute but also kinda disturbing that i share my blood with these people and that i'll most likely be like them.

listening to the old piano tapes brought me to realize that...i miss it - the toil, sweat, blood...all of it :)

In spite of all this, they kept on sinning; in spite of his wonders, they did not believe. So he ended their days in futility and their years in terror. Whenever God slew them, they would seek him; they eagerly turned to him again. They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer. But then they would flatter him with their mouths, lying to him with their tongues; their hearts were not loyal to him, they were not faithful to his covenant. Psalm 78:32-37

this morning i had to get on the phone with UPS to figure out why they didn't come and pick up the broken computer (a long story) from my parents'. and i realized...wow, the canadian accents are THICK HERE! lots of O's and A's and all those vowels are so "properly" pronounced, so it was kinda funny.

today is beautifully sunny and nice.

it was a whirlwind of 3 days in LA - visit to the Getty Villa in Malibu, hiking in Griffith Park in Hollywood (and at the eye level of the Hollywood sign), visiting many friends (including my 1st serious piano student who is now a student @ UCLA) and eating good food. also listened to many of tim keller's sermons on wisdom. hmm. never thought sermons would be good things to listen @ the airports! now i'm in vancouver - rainy and cold & windy. how delicious! (of course, already stuffed with mom's cooking)

went to a hardcore "concert" - if one can even call it that. it was interesting. there's no frills, no "show" per se, just play, scream, and it's over. and people were actually into it. they themselves seem no-frills kinda people too - early to mid 20's. white. no real apparent anger issues as far as i can see. but i did notice one thing: passion.

i now can understand why the brooklyn pops is always talking about hardcore and christianity. if we could have that kind of focus (mind you, it's straight edge)...wow, i can't even imagine!

here's basically what i saw last night - couldn't bring in a camera, sorry.