in my desire (...or just plain true lack there of?) to clean up some old e-mails in my inbox, i perused some very old e-mails - we're talking about 3-4 years ago. and then i realized this:

i was so immature, not only as a woman, but as a christian.

and the disheartening thing is this: i know that i still am (immature, that is).  reading back, i simply cannot believe some of the things that were happening in my life, only because i believe many important (and unimportant) issues were created equally by me and those around me, so we basically fed each other crap - not a true friendship, i'm afraid. and some people i called friends...i don't even know who they were/are. and how was i to them as well? probably just another "friend of the moment."

this question of "friendship" has plagued me all year long this calendar year: what is it to be a true friend? i'm approaching my grand birthday soon and again i am disheartened (there's no other word) to see that i really haven't grown. i tell myself to buck-up, stop drowning in self-disapproval etc, yet it's all true.

some have remarked that i can be extremely stoic. i used to think that's a good thing - always stoic, never flustered (at least not like the college years). but i'm beginning to think that this is not a good thing but really just a temporary wall of hurt, which never seem to be that temporary.

perhaps i idealized what friendship was: give & get unselfishly. i still feel that way. so many times, i wish i were rich so i can help out my financially unfortunate friends, because i want them not to feel the pain of it all. but most often, it seems like i've gotten the brunt of it all. i'm not victimizing myself - i am trying to see why i get myself in this situation where i feel that i helped out, but the recipients have told not only myself but other mutual friends that due to the fact that i'm essentially bossy, i'm ruining their lives. perhaps because i "give" in sense of time & sometimes monetary, that i should be like Mother Teresa and just open my arms and hug, and of course, stay on the sideline and be quiet? it makes me ANGRY to think that this is how one is treated, after giving, not because of expectation but because it's about SHARING.

in one example, today i shared with a friend about an old friend whom i had a very unbalanced and unhealthful relationship with. and he really abused me, in a way that he used me to be his pseudo-girlfriend but didn't respect enough to give me the room to not be dependent on him. and that was a "christian" friendship.

i don't know what i'm saying. i'm venting. i don't want to even see any of my old church friends or even talk to them. it makes me angry.

this is why i turn stoic. and i still don't know what to do about maintaining friendships. now i'm completely suspicious & paranoid. and most of all, i'm sad that in 5 years' time, i'll yet look once again to this time and say "i never learned anything."

proverbs 12:26

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

proverbs 13:20

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.