i am increasingly wrestling with my industry of "tooting your own horn AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE" while TRYING to live in a christ-like life (really...i AM trying, whether that's apparent or not). i feel so torn and lost whenever i am at work. i am increasingly not enjoying the work i do, as i feel it so...dead-ended (what's the real reward?) and really...useless in the big scheme of things. while i'm very good at my job, i no longer seem to be inspired to do the best i can, as i see it as "what's the use? it doesn't make sense in the long run anyway."

why am i becoming a pessimist???

how can i even be encouraging to the youngsters i deal with?

i am a walking hypocrite.

sigh.