i was in a pretty intense meeting the other day at the office. new clients came in with their board members, secretaries, etc. etc.

in the middle of the meeting, we were discussing about another organization that sprouted out of this current one (let's call this company, Company A), by the same orchestra member. i was aghast hearing about this and i just couldn't get past that the Company A was a) okay with it and b) still employeed that orchestra member (who is now head of the Company B - doing exactly the same thing). the reason why the orchestra member went to create his own Company B was because he wanted to the principal in his section and after getting a huge inheritance money, he decided to form his own Company B (instead of - let's say - giving the inheritance money to Company A and perhaps benefiting the entire organization).

the meeting went on, but i couldn't resist but to comment on how wrong that action was and to my surprise, everyone in the room said "Why? cuz he saw the opportunity and created his own? We're not moral judges here - everybody can do whatever it suits them" and just went on with the meeting.

i don't know what but it got me really shocked. am i this naive? i don't understand why they don't think it's so wrong! i'd be so so upset with that orchestra member!!! but apparently not.

am i just really uptight? i don't get it! please enlighten me!

Psalm 94

The LORD Will Not Forsake His People

1O LORD, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!

2 Rise up, O judge of the earth; repay to the proud what they deserve!

3O LORD, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult?

4They pour out their arrogant words; all the evildoers boast.

5They crush your people, O LORD, and afflict your heritage.

6They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;

7 and they say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive."

8 Understand, O dullest of the people Fools, when will you be wise?

9 He who planted the ear, does he not hear?He who formed the eye, does he not see?

10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?He who teaches man knowledge

11 the LORD—knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath.

12 Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

13to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.

14For the LORD will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;

15for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who rises up for me against the wicked? Who stands up for me against evildoers?

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

18When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.

19When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

20Can wicked rulers be allied with you, those who frame injustice by statute?

21They band together against the life of the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.

22But the LORD has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.

23He will bring back on them their iniquity and wipe them out for their wickedness; the LORD our God will wipe them out.

when there are leaves on the streets, i miss playing the piano.

when i feel the brilliant sun shining on the street corners, i really miss playing the piano, however that whole imagery is so so tres tres cliche.

when i savor a delicious dessert, i think "....this is so good! this is just as good as...playing the piano."

then i just read a blog by a pianist, and read all the technical jargons which i haven't had the pleasure (or agony?) of reading/hearing in the last - oh i don't know - years and it reminded me how much i miss playing the piano.

today a colleague of mine said "maybe we form a chamber group?" with what, i said. a ghost pianist? i have no piano. therefore i cannot practice. therefore i cannot play. will not play.

i think of the verse in Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

and i think...perhaps i idolized music (i'm substituting the word money with the word music) before. then i became a christian. now i don't even know how i would "take care" of my love for music, if i were to even have such an outlet.

i constantly feel torn between 2 things - it's never 3. it's always 2: this or that, be this or be that. i don't know.

i still have yet to grow up. i sometimes think that i have yet to reconcile with my love of and for God and my love for...the rest of the world.

i'm sore. the last 48 hrs has been full of physical activities. this is a testament to how out of shape i am.

on sunday after church, i had my usual pottery practice time. it's been very peaceful and almost serene to do hand work. it's been a blessing really. then i went on to biking in governor's island. that was not too bad. at least i didn't fall. but with retro bikes, they were hard. i wasn't too sore afterwards. i thought that was a good sign.

then last night, i had my first hand wheeling pottery class (still part of the same class). the teacher was showing us, step by step, how you mold, manipulate the clay. it looked SO EASY! i thought, wow, this is so much fun and easy. i'm going to go nuts.

3 hours later, splattered with clay, my arms, hands, fingers, shoulder blades, back, legs, everything was sore. forget biking. this is harder than any sport! i cannot believe how tiring hand wheeling is. it is not easy. it is not even remotely serene nor is it pleasant. usually during the 3 hr class, i take a break to munch on something or drink something. i could do neither. i was totally focused and still messed up 3 bowls - none of which were close to resembling a bowl. i was exhausted, splattered all over, just plain tired.

and the whole time i kept thinking isaiah 64:8

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

one thing about hand wheeling is that as you build you bowl (all starts out with a bowl, then to vases, mugs, what-have-yous), you have to keep an eye on the center and make sure the center does not get wobbly. it's a constant and tiring process. you cannot just hope that you just build it up (physically - taller) and that to your eye, it looks good, but it's not - it's lacking the core.

figuratively, i understand that verse. now that i'm the potter, i cannot fathom how our father has created, continues to mold us, tirelessly, to center us, to keep us from wobbling...wow, and he doesn't give up, does he!

so sore...

i played around with the new G1 today. i was gleeful.

in the end, i wasn't. i was not very impressed by it. yes, the touch screen is amazing (like iphone). yes the keyboard works very well with the screen (just like blackberry).  there's even a track ball (but conspicuously sticking out). but the entire shell-casing of this looks sooooo ghetto. not at all aesthetically pleasing. just haphazardly put together. plus you can't do any enterprise-based e-mails (no work emails), only web-based emails. so they have a bit of way to go.

i'm back from london. it was very refreshing. good meeting and of course, all that free time to see theatre, visit universities and friends.

was off in buffalo yesterday to do some stuff and was back in a jiffy for my pottery class.

visited a church with friends. i had forgotten what a contemporary worship was like - and i re-lived my old presbyterian church. this church was very lively with lots of love & positivity. sermon was purely narrative which can be very attractive. the church was filled with young people and of course, super-long worship (music) time. lots of (great) multi-media usage too.

but i missed my church's quietness and its gentleness. perhaps i'm getting old and i need the calmness, since i seldom find it internally. worshiping while jumping up and down isn't me anymore. hearing only the good news of jesus and his love (and no rebukes) isn't me anymore either.

one silvery hair made an very auspicious debut on my head yesterday. auspicious, indeed!

in my desire (...or just plain true lack there of?) to clean up some old e-mails in my inbox, i perused some very old e-mails - we're talking about 3-4 years ago. and then i realized this:

i was so immature, not only as a woman, but as a christian.

and the disheartening thing is this: i know that i still am (immature, that is).  reading back, i simply cannot believe some of the things that were happening in my life, only because i believe many important (and unimportant) issues were created equally by me and those around me, so we basically fed each other crap - not a true friendship, i'm afraid. and some people i called friends...i don't even know who they were/are. and how was i to them as well? probably just another "friend of the moment."

this question of "friendship" has plagued me all year long this calendar year: what is it to be a true friend? i'm approaching my grand birthday soon and again i am disheartened (there's no other word) to see that i really haven't grown. i tell myself to buck-up, stop drowning in self-disapproval etc, yet it's all true.

some have remarked that i can be extremely stoic. i used to think that's a good thing - always stoic, never flustered (at least not like the college years). but i'm beginning to think that this is not a good thing but really just a temporary wall of hurt, which never seem to be that temporary.

perhaps i idealized what friendship was: give & get unselfishly. i still feel that way. so many times, i wish i were rich so i can help out my financially unfortunate friends, because i want them not to feel the pain of it all. but most often, it seems like i've gotten the brunt of it all. i'm not victimizing myself - i am trying to see why i get myself in this situation where i feel that i helped out, but the recipients have told not only myself but other mutual friends that due to the fact that i'm essentially bossy, i'm ruining their lives. perhaps because i "give" in sense of time & sometimes monetary, that i should be like Mother Teresa and just open my arms and hug, and of course, stay on the sideline and be quiet? it makes me ANGRY to think that this is how one is treated, after giving, not because of expectation but because it's about SHARING.

in one example, today i shared with a friend about an old friend whom i had a very unbalanced and unhealthful relationship with. and he really abused me, in a way that he used me to be his pseudo-girlfriend but didn't respect enough to give me the room to not be dependent on him. and that was a "christian" friendship.

i don't know what i'm saying. i'm venting. i don't want to even see any of my old church friends or even talk to them. it makes me angry.

this is why i turn stoic. and i still don't know what to do about maintaining friendships. now i'm completely suspicious & paranoid. and most of all, i'm sad that in 5 years' time, i'll yet look once again to this time and say "i never learned anything."

proverbs 12:26

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

proverbs 13:20

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

KING: And belief -- belief is a tough thing to counter.

MAHER: Yes. And I understand why it's a luxury for some people who don't need it and why a lot of people are less fortunate, and they do need it. So we're not trying to point fingers in this movie. I think we do it -- we're laughing all the way through it. I think we're winking and having a good time, and we're not trying to be judgmental. But at some point, you know, mankind is going to have to shed this skin if he's going to move forward. I do have a serious intellectual problem with it. And on another level it just ticks me off. It's just the ultimate hustle. It's just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." You know, why can't they, I always ask -- I asked Jesus at Holy Land, "Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil?" You know, and it's the same reason the comic-book character can't get rid of his nemesis. Then there's no story. If God gets rid of the devil -- and he could, he's all powerful -- well, then there's no fear. There's no reason to come to church. There's no reason to pass the plate. We're all out of a job. You know, it's got to go on.

that was a part of the transcript from the Larry King Live i saw in vancouver. it was between larry king & bill maher.

i thought about it. how can i answer this? if someone asked me (and nobody has), what would i say? i really wouldn't know. so i consulted this book i have, called Evidence: That Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell. there's nothing in it about why god created evil and continues to let it flourish.

i asked a friend tonight: he said "because of free will?"

what's your take?

this picture is not far off from what/where i've been since friday night. that's right folks, it's the OLYMPIC time!

all i've been doing: watching olympics (usually from 8 PM), eating...watching...eating...eating...watching...

argh!

for the first time in 2 years, i had a REAL CHEESE (sorry, goat) today...LACTOSE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.lifetimecheese.com/products/LactoseFree.html is also a good link :)

Psalm 5

Lead Me in Your Righteousness

To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O LORD; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch. For you are not a God who delights in wickedness; evil may not dwell with you. The boastful shall not stand before your eyes; you hate all evildoers. You destroy those who speak lies; the LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man. But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love, will enter your house. I will bow down toward your holy temple in the fear of you. Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies; make your way straight before me. For there is no truth in their mouth; their inmost self is destruction; their throat is an open grave; they flatter with their tongue. Make them bear their guilt, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out, for they have rebelled against you. But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield.

i am truly blessed. as i walked around my good ol' neighborhood this morning, i had the sense of calm, sense of being blessed beyond i can ever want or need. the basic necessities of life has been granted by God and i am so thankful. praise praise god!

The trip was fun.

i vandalized the golden gate bridge by writing on the bridge: under the word CHRIST:

Steve

Jessica

Clara

June 2008

then onto the monterey bay aquarium to admire many of god's creations (in this instance, jellyfish)

then admired more of His Works at Monterey - the Lone Cypress. breathtaking.

i'm slowly getting excited about San Francisco/San Jose.

i'm excited that there's a possibility of me getting reacquainted with my friends Johanny and Fréd in that sunny state. (i'll have to bring some of them with me, if that's the case.)

:) :) :) :)

maybe i'm a cold person but i really don't understand this outpouring of love, etc. for the late tim russert. yes, he was fabulous. he seemed like a real genuine person.

but seriously, nothing else to cover? that, and tiger's knee surgery?

and i can't stand to read the newspaper these days. i don't know why, but i just want to escape from it all. i suspended my nytimes subscription for the next 2 weeks, only to revive after the 4th of july. and i'm giving my ipod a rest too.

Alex Fletcher: It doesn't have to be perfect. Just spit it out. They're just lyrics.
Sophie Fisher: "Just lyrics"?
Alex Fletcher: Lyrics are important. They're just not as important as melody.
Sophie Fisher: I really don't think you get it.
Alex Fletcher: Oh. You look angry. Click your pen.
Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the 2 that makes it magical.

this is a dialogue i remember from Music & Lyrics.

i so get it.

greetings from the mile-high city.

it is balmy and breezy without a hint of humidity, currently around 85 degrees. such a huge difference from home.

things are not going well - too many screw-ups by shipping companies so we're missing 4000 magazines. not a pretty sight to be around the grumpy londoners.

but, i was alone this morning, doing errands for the convention and i was thankful that last night's meeting was not confrontational and that we had a relaxing time greeting one another.

desperate times need desperate prayers. please pray for this week - that all will go smoothly. magazines to arrive tomorrow morning by FedEx. sigh. more expenses.

i probably won't have the time to enjoy anything, except to gaze from afar the magnificent mountains.

denver has some memories for me. i was here about 4 years ago serving a short-term mission, helping the homeless (due to the mild-nature of the weather year-around, there are high number of homeless FAMILIES around here). it was a lot of work, but a fruitful one.

this convention will be a lot of work, but not sure if it'll be fruitful, at least personally.

2 days down, 5 to go.

this does NOT work. i tried to be environmentally friendly. it does not work.

this works the best. do not buy others!

in Philly no less!

i cannot imagine the pull of the "tree of good and evil" for eve and adam. i cannot imagine what kind of temptation it had through the serpent. i don't even know if adam and eve knew of the FEAR of the lord, on listening and acting upon the serpent's temptation.

what i do know are my own temptations: temptation to be irritable, temptation to be impatient, temptation to blow-up, temptation to just move on, temptation to do all things ungodly.

david powlison said this:

You have been given God's grace and commanded by your Lord Jesus to give grace to all others. Whether married or single, male or female, child or parent, employee or boss, you live within a mutuality: one church, members of one body, brothers and sisters to one answer. You are a we. You are called to be patient, and constructive in every relationship....[everyone] ought to communicate openly, drawing on each other for help and perspective, seeking to understand and encourage each other, repenting of the sins that interfere. No superiority, no double standards.

this is super hard. It is so unhuman.

yet there are so many bodily references in the bible, among others, in Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and in Ephesians 4. it is told again and again that we are one in christ, one in each other, to love and respect and blah blah blah blah blah blah.

this is super duper hard. it is a true challenge.

i just wish that god had provided us with physical stress ball to throw, squeeze, and smash on. ARGH!

random thoughts:

i have many men in my life. father, brother, brothers in christ, nephew (plus 1 more coming in October), boss, teachers/pastors, students, etc.

i have many women in my life too, yet it seems that only men seek my ear often, especially of late.

especially lately, my heart has been burdened to pray for the men in my life.

today, i connected with a brother in christ in korea (serving in the military) via skype. it's been awhile. and him telling me of his life, it puts everything in perspective.

god is good to me. he gives me clarity and comfort through all situations.

and thank God for my men in my life.