i give up being the (wrong) sister to the "i'm always right" brother.

i'm amazed at mothers. i don't know how they do it. most of the times, i don't get them...how they're able to function, etc but a lot of the times i'm amazed at their restraint & gentleness.

gentleness is one of the fruit of the spirit which i struggle mightily with. i've been praying for gentleness for quite some time now (it's almost going to be a decade soon!) and i don't know if that'll ever happen. but i know all things are possible with God, so i have faith in THAT regard. however, being the sinful person I am, i highly doubt that i can really change! (oh the vicious circle of sinful human mind...)

for instance, i had to learn patience through dealing with piano students. yet i'm still impatient. i see a mother who admonishes her child but with gentleness and it's totally foreign to me. i don't know if i'd ever LEARN to be gentle? quite honestly, i think i'd be a horrible mother, fun at times but also screaming a lot of times. i don't know, it's all so hard.

it's all very daunting.

does this fall under faithfulness as well? faithful that all things will please god? will i be a pleasing mother?

wait a minute, i'm so FAR from being a mother, it's just not even worth considering, but i can't help but to consider. it's not that i WANT to be a mother - i'm just...AMAZED! sometimes...it's scary!

it's been awhile since i posted, and that means it's a 'fess up time.

this holiday season has been a very HUMBLING one (see the pix?) - i've been "stuffing" myself with many, MANY pieces of (humble) pie...

it's because of my Christ, i am able to forego my pride & ego and eat as MANY humble pies as possible!

so thanks lord Jesus for your unbelievable faith in me and giving me lots of...HUMBLE PIE!

Day 3 in the Beantown (as well as other days):

5 AM (6 AM on a good day): wake up by a 2.5 year old, jumping up and down
5: 01 AM - give him Yogurt
5:02 AM - watch any of the following in any order:
curious george
martha speaks
listen to either Mendelssohn violin concerto or Tchaikovsky violin concerto
5:45 AM - he starts whining "mama" in that drawn out voice and rattles the gates separating the living room and the bedroom hallway
6:00 AM - groggy parents are up, with the newborn (ironically, the newborn never seem to wake up!)
6:02 AM - my turn to "relax" a bit - go to the bathroom (finally) and grab a quick bite

from then on, it's "let's go crazy" mode mixed in with "let's tire the 2.5 year old boy ASAP" mode, mixed with lots of diaper changes (which he hates), interspersed with very bad POOPY diapers!

then lunch, preparing & feeding

then naptime for the 2.5 year old - which means, time for me to:

1. laundry
2. clean up & unload the dishwasher from the previous night
3. finally sit down & watch a movie and/internet
4. about to relax, then 2.5 year old is up!

then we have to do that "let's go crazy and tire him out at the same time" mode until dinner time

then around dinner time,

1. prepare the pajama
2. layout towels
3. prepare bath for him and get toys lined up as well as the diaper
4. coax him to get undressed
5. then scoop him up and get him in the bath
6. and hopefully he won't splash too much so you won't get soaked every night

then feed him dinner, then the parents play with him a bit, and i clean up, save food, clean up, load up dishwasher, then it's to say good night to the boy

then i sit down and go

OMG I CAN"T DO THIS I DON"T KNOW WHY I EVEN WANT TO GET MARRIED

and repeat...daily...

i love my little piano students. one had an outburst of frustration the other night and somehow, we managed to finish learning the christmas carol (i'm having all my piano students learn christmas carols before christmas so they can play for their families & friends!), albeit bouts of "NO!!!"s and tears & hiccups.

in that moment, i think "am i really cut out for this?" but that moment is gone when the kid is all dried up, happy to have accomplished something (however painful - for those 3 bars).

i'm grateful for parents too who stay away to let me battle it out with their kids!

all in all, i am blessed to do this! thank you my BIG DADDY!

i was looking for an old personal file on my computer and i found this (pasted below). i don't understand why i wrote this. where did this come from?!!?!? did i even write this??? i'm so weirded out...

The story begins where nobody can hear.

 

Have you ever sit in an empty room all by youself? Or worse, a room full of people, yet strangely still and empty. Yes, that’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re getting it.

 

Now picture this. This is where you’d find a Thomas. Yes, just A Thomas, a singular person whose name is Thomas.

 

Thomas likes to sit alone - whether in school or in his own small room - to ponder. Ponder, you say. What is he pondering about?

 

Well, Thomas likes to talk to his imagery friends who likes to ponder. So you see, it’s not exactly Thomas who is pondering.

 

The friends of Thomas are an opinionated - albeit invisible - bunch. They like to ponder and wonder. Thomas really likes to leave all his pondering and wondering to his friends. That way, he really doesn’t have to ponder or wonder at all!

 

One day, quite bored of his friends pondering and wondering so much around him, Thomas picked up his telephone and called “411.” That’s right, four-one-one: what you’d dial to get information on somebody’s telephone number.

 

“Hello, May I help you?” said a voice from the other end. Thomas replied “Hello there. This is Thomas.”

 

“Well, Thomas, may I help you find a number? Who are you trying to call?”

 

“I am not sure...I have all my friends here in the room, so I don’t need to call.”

 

“Thomas, how lucky you are to have all your friends in your room! Is today your birthday?”

 

“No it isn’t...May I ask you a question?”

 

“Why, aren’t you a polite little boy. Yes, what is it Thomas?”

 

“May I call you every day? I like making new friends.”

 

“Well, I suppose you can, Thomas. But whenever you dial 4-1-1, you will never reach the same person twice. Do you understand what I mean?”

 

“Yes, but do you think I can call this number every day?”

 

“Yes Thomas. You can. Well, you should go back to your friends, Thomas. They must be lonely without you.”

 

“Thank you...and good-bye!”

 

“Good bye Thomas.”

8:30 AM service is da best. it's totally quiet. not a soul stirring!

i am increasingly wrestling with my industry of "tooting your own horn AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE" while TRYING to live in a christ-like life (really...i AM trying, whether that's apparent or not). i feel so torn and lost whenever i am at work. i am increasingly not enjoying the work i do, as i feel it so...dead-ended (what's the real reward?) and really...useless in the big scheme of things. while i'm very good at my job, i no longer seem to be inspired to do the best i can, as i see it as "what's the use? it doesn't make sense in the long run anyway."

why am i becoming a pessimist???

how can i even be encouraging to the youngsters i deal with?

i am a walking hypocrite.

sigh.

i had one horribly graphic dream. now, graphic does not mean horror or gore or anything like that. rather, it was quite enlightening.

in the dream:

i was with friends - i can't remember any of them, except that i was in a group of really good friends, because i felt comfortable, loved and etc. etc.

then a person (male? female?) came up to me and said,

"you know, your chin is horribly misaligned. we must reset it and you're in luck! i actually happen to know how to do it."

i didn't believe this person. i said, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with my chin! it's just pointy, that's all."

and then other people around the group started to say "but it IS misaligned..." etc.

i felt so strange...not attacked, but somehow feeling that perhaps my perception of my chin was only MY reality. so i gave it a go - and i was FRIGHTENED.

so this person said "okay, try to loosen your jaw by putting your hands by your ears/cheeks and then i'll be cracking your chin. you may hear a big sound but do NOT - in under any circumstance - close your jaw! okay, we're all going to help here, so don't be frightened. it shouldn't hurt...i hope"

i was REALLY frightened and my heart was racing! but i said, okay i'll give it a try. and i kept going "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU"RE DOING???"

so i was basically held down by a group of people while this person worked on my chin and i kept thinking, i'm gonna be horribly disfigured and it's going to hurt horribly. then

!SNAP!

and that was it! and i was like, what? and they said "yup, it's done and it's now correct!" and i felt my teeth weren't as aligned as before, but suddenly i felt so much better and i didn't even feel any pain! i was just more scared of WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, instead of what actually happened.

then i woke up.

and i think i know what that was all about...

what a beautiful morning today was. and yes it was indeed full of GRACE.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Cor 12:9

that is one verse that i thought i understood, but i'm nowhere near it. yet i continue to strive to understand and to live on. i am thankful for his grace.

i don't remember any other time in my life that i've felt such hatred of people around me towards each other solely due to their political party-affiliations. all about the words "hope" and "change" were discarded early in the campaigns and it all became hate, hating the other side, hating whoever didn't believe you, hating whatever the opponents said.

i'm glad that this will be all over by tonight.

i was in a pretty intense meeting the other day at the office. new clients came in with their board members, secretaries, etc. etc.

in the middle of the meeting, we were discussing about another organization that sprouted out of this current one (let's call this company, Company A), by the same orchestra member. i was aghast hearing about this and i just couldn't get past that the Company A was a) okay with it and b) still employeed that orchestra member (who is now head of the Company B - doing exactly the same thing). the reason why the orchestra member went to create his own Company B was because he wanted to the principal in his section and after getting a huge inheritance money, he decided to form his own Company B (instead of - let's say - giving the inheritance money to Company A and perhaps benefiting the entire organization).

the meeting went on, but i couldn't resist but to comment on how wrong that action was and to my surprise, everyone in the room said "Why? cuz he saw the opportunity and created his own? We're not moral judges here - everybody can do whatever it suits them" and just went on with the meeting.

i don't know what but it got me really shocked. am i this naive? i don't understand why they don't think it's so wrong! i'd be so so upset with that orchestra member!!! but apparently not.

am i just really uptight? i don't get it! please enlighten me!

Psalm 94

The LORD Will Not Forsake His People

1O LORD, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!

2 Rise up, O judge of the earth; repay to the proud what they deserve!

3O LORD, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult?

4They pour out their arrogant words; all the evildoers boast.

5They crush your people, O LORD, and afflict your heritage.

6They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;

7 and they say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive."

8 Understand, O dullest of the people Fools, when will you be wise?

9 He who planted the ear, does he not hear?He who formed the eye, does he not see?

10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?He who teaches man knowledge

11 the LORD—knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath.

12 Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

13to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.

14For the LORD will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;

15for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who rises up for me against the wicked? Who stands up for me against evildoers?

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

18When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.

19When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

20Can wicked rulers be allied with you, those who frame injustice by statute?

21They band together against the life of the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.

22But the LORD has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.

23He will bring back on them their iniquity and wipe them out for their wickedness; the LORD our God will wipe them out.

when there are leaves on the streets, i miss playing the piano.

when i feel the brilliant sun shining on the street corners, i really miss playing the piano, however that whole imagery is so so tres tres cliche.

when i savor a delicious dessert, i think "....this is so good! this is just as good as...playing the piano."

then i just read a blog by a pianist, and read all the technical jargons which i haven't had the pleasure (or agony?) of reading/hearing in the last - oh i don't know - years and it reminded me how much i miss playing the piano.

today a colleague of mine said "maybe we form a chamber group?" with what, i said. a ghost pianist? i have no piano. therefore i cannot practice. therefore i cannot play. will not play.

i think of the verse in Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

and i think...perhaps i idolized music (i'm substituting the word money with the word music) before. then i became a christian. now i don't even know how i would "take care" of my love for music, if i were to even have such an outlet.

i constantly feel torn between 2 things - it's never 3. it's always 2: this or that, be this or be that. i don't know.

i still have yet to grow up. i sometimes think that i have yet to reconcile with my love of and for God and my love for...the rest of the world.

i'm sore. the last 48 hrs has been full of physical activities. this is a testament to how out of shape i am.

on sunday after church, i had my usual pottery practice time. it's been very peaceful and almost serene to do hand work. it's been a blessing really. then i went on to biking in governor's island. that was not too bad. at least i didn't fall. but with retro bikes, they were hard. i wasn't too sore afterwards. i thought that was a good sign.

then last night, i had my first hand wheeling pottery class (still part of the same class). the teacher was showing us, step by step, how you mold, manipulate the clay. it looked SO EASY! i thought, wow, this is so much fun and easy. i'm going to go nuts.

3 hours later, splattered with clay, my arms, hands, fingers, shoulder blades, back, legs, everything was sore. forget biking. this is harder than any sport! i cannot believe how tiring hand wheeling is. it is not easy. it is not even remotely serene nor is it pleasant. usually during the 3 hr class, i take a break to munch on something or drink something. i could do neither. i was totally focused and still messed up 3 bowls - none of which were close to resembling a bowl. i was exhausted, splattered all over, just plain tired.

and the whole time i kept thinking isaiah 64:8

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

one thing about hand wheeling is that as you build you bowl (all starts out with a bowl, then to vases, mugs, what-have-yous), you have to keep an eye on the center and make sure the center does not get wobbly. it's a constant and tiring process. you cannot just hope that you just build it up (physically - taller) and that to your eye, it looks good, but it's not - it's lacking the core.

figuratively, i understand that verse. now that i'm the potter, i cannot fathom how our father has created, continues to mold us, tirelessly, to center us, to keep us from wobbling...wow, and he doesn't give up, does he!

so sore...

i played around with the new G1 today. i was gleeful.

in the end, i wasn't. i was not very impressed by it. yes, the touch screen is amazing (like iphone). yes the keyboard works very well with the screen (just like blackberry).  there's even a track ball (but conspicuously sticking out). but the entire shell-casing of this looks sooooo ghetto. not at all aesthetically pleasing. just haphazardly put together. plus you can't do any enterprise-based e-mails (no work emails), only web-based emails. so they have a bit of way to go.

i'm back from london. it was very refreshing. good meeting and of course, all that free time to see theatre, visit universities and friends.

was off in buffalo yesterday to do some stuff and was back in a jiffy for my pottery class.

visited a church with friends. i had forgotten what a contemporary worship was like - and i re-lived my old presbyterian church. this church was very lively with lots of love & positivity. sermon was purely narrative which can be very attractive. the church was filled with young people and of course, super-long worship (music) time. lots of (great) multi-media usage too.

but i missed my church's quietness and its gentleness. perhaps i'm getting old and i need the calmness, since i seldom find it internally. worshiping while jumping up and down isn't me anymore. hearing only the good news of jesus and his love (and no rebukes) isn't me anymore either.

one silvery hair made an very auspicious debut on my head yesterday. auspicious, indeed!

in my desire (...or just plain true lack there of?) to clean up some old e-mails in my inbox, i perused some very old e-mails - we're talking about 3-4 years ago. and then i realized this:

i was so immature, not only as a woman, but as a christian.

and the disheartening thing is this: i know that i still am (immature, that is).  reading back, i simply cannot believe some of the things that were happening in my life, only because i believe many important (and unimportant) issues were created equally by me and those around me, so we basically fed each other crap - not a true friendship, i'm afraid. and some people i called friends...i don't even know who they were/are. and how was i to them as well? probably just another "friend of the moment."

this question of "friendship" has plagued me all year long this calendar year: what is it to be a true friend? i'm approaching my grand birthday soon and again i am disheartened (there's no other word) to see that i really haven't grown. i tell myself to buck-up, stop drowning in self-disapproval etc, yet it's all true.

some have remarked that i can be extremely stoic. i used to think that's a good thing - always stoic, never flustered (at least not like the college years). but i'm beginning to think that this is not a good thing but really just a temporary wall of hurt, which never seem to be that temporary.

perhaps i idealized what friendship was: give & get unselfishly. i still feel that way. so many times, i wish i were rich so i can help out my financially unfortunate friends, because i want them not to feel the pain of it all. but most often, it seems like i've gotten the brunt of it all. i'm not victimizing myself - i am trying to see why i get myself in this situation where i feel that i helped out, but the recipients have told not only myself but other mutual friends that due to the fact that i'm essentially bossy, i'm ruining their lives. perhaps because i "give" in sense of time & sometimes monetary, that i should be like Mother Teresa and just open my arms and hug, and of course, stay on the sideline and be quiet? it makes me ANGRY to think that this is how one is treated, after giving, not because of expectation but because it's about SHARING.

in one example, today i shared with a friend about an old friend whom i had a very unbalanced and unhealthful relationship with. and he really abused me, in a way that he used me to be his pseudo-girlfriend but didn't respect enough to give me the room to not be dependent on him. and that was a "christian" friendship.

i don't know what i'm saying. i'm venting. i don't want to even see any of my old church friends or even talk to them. it makes me angry.

this is why i turn stoic. and i still don't know what to do about maintaining friendships. now i'm completely suspicious & paranoid. and most of all, i'm sad that in 5 years' time, i'll yet look once again to this time and say "i never learned anything."

proverbs 12:26

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

proverbs 13:20

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

KING: And belief -- belief is a tough thing to counter.

MAHER: Yes. And I understand why it's a luxury for some people who don't need it and why a lot of people are less fortunate, and they do need it. So we're not trying to point fingers in this movie. I think we do it -- we're laughing all the way through it. I think we're winking and having a good time, and we're not trying to be judgmental. But at some point, you know, mankind is going to have to shed this skin if he's going to move forward. I do have a serious intellectual problem with it. And on another level it just ticks me off. It's just the ultimate hustle. It's just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." You know, why can't they, I always ask -- I asked Jesus at Holy Land, "Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil?" You know, and it's the same reason the comic-book character can't get rid of his nemesis. Then there's no story. If God gets rid of the devil -- and he could, he's all powerful -- well, then there's no fear. There's no reason to come to church. There's no reason to pass the plate. We're all out of a job. You know, it's got to go on.

that was a part of the transcript from the Larry King Live i saw in vancouver. it was between larry king & bill maher.

i thought about it. how can i answer this? if someone asked me (and nobody has), what would i say? i really wouldn't know. so i consulted this book i have, called Evidence: That Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell. there's nothing in it about why god created evil and continues to let it flourish.

i asked a friend tonight: he said "because of free will?"

what's your take?

this picture is not far off from what/where i've been since friday night. that's right folks, it's the OLYMPIC time!

all i've been doing: watching olympics (usually from 8 PM), eating...watching...eating...eating...watching...

argh!