i give up being the (wrong) sister to the "i'm always right" brother.

i'm amazed at mothers. i don't know how they do it. most of the times, i don't get them...how they're able to function, etc but a lot of the times i'm amazed at their restraint & gentleness.

gentleness is one of the fruit of the spirit which i struggle mightily with. i've been praying for gentleness for quite some time now (it's almost going to be a decade soon!) and i don't know if that'll ever happen. but i know all things are possible with God, so i have faith in THAT regard. however, being the sinful person I am, i highly doubt that i can really change! (oh the vicious circle of sinful human mind...)

for instance, i had to learn patience through dealing with piano students. yet i'm still impatient. i see a mother who admonishes her child but with gentleness and it's totally foreign to me. i don't know if i'd ever LEARN to be gentle? quite honestly, i think i'd be a horrible mother, fun at times but also screaming a lot of times. i don't know, it's all so hard.

it's all very daunting.

does this fall under faithfulness as well? faithful that all things will please god? will i be a pleasing mother?

wait a minute, i'm so FAR from being a mother, it's just not even worth considering, but i can't help but to consider. it's not that i WANT to be a mother - i'm just...AMAZED! sometimes...it's scary!

it's been awhile since i posted, and that means it's a 'fess up time.

this holiday season has been a very HUMBLING one (see the pix?) - i've been "stuffing" myself with many, MANY pieces of (humble) pie...

it's because of my Christ, i am able to forego my pride & ego and eat as MANY humble pies as possible!

so thanks lord Jesus for your unbelievable faith in me and giving me lots of...HUMBLE PIE!

Day 3 in the Beantown (as well as other days):

5 AM (6 AM on a good day): wake up by a 2.5 year old, jumping up and down
5: 01 AM - give him Yogurt
5:02 AM - watch any of the following in any order:
curious george
martha speaks
listen to either Mendelssohn violin concerto or Tchaikovsky violin concerto
5:45 AM - he starts whining "mama" in that drawn out voice and rattles the gates separating the living room and the bedroom hallway
6:00 AM - groggy parents are up, with the newborn (ironically, the newborn never seem to wake up!)
6:02 AM - my turn to "relax" a bit - go to the bathroom (finally) and grab a quick bite

from then on, it's "let's go crazy" mode mixed in with "let's tire the 2.5 year old boy ASAP" mode, mixed with lots of diaper changes (which he hates), interspersed with very bad POOPY diapers!

then lunch, preparing & feeding

then naptime for the 2.5 year old - which means, time for me to:

1. laundry
2. clean up & unload the dishwasher from the previous night
3. finally sit down & watch a movie and/internet
4. about to relax, then 2.5 year old is up!

then we have to do that "let's go crazy and tire him out at the same time" mode until dinner time

then around dinner time,

1. prepare the pajama
2. layout towels
3. prepare bath for him and get toys lined up as well as the diaper
4. coax him to get undressed
5. then scoop him up and get him in the bath
6. and hopefully he won't splash too much so you won't get soaked every night

then feed him dinner, then the parents play with him a bit, and i clean up, save food, clean up, load up dishwasher, then it's to say good night to the boy

then i sit down and go

OMG I CAN"T DO THIS I DON"T KNOW WHY I EVEN WANT TO GET MARRIED

and repeat...daily...

i love my little piano students. one had an outburst of frustration the other night and somehow, we managed to finish learning the christmas carol (i'm having all my piano students learn christmas carols before christmas so they can play for their families & friends!), albeit bouts of "NO!!!"s and tears & hiccups.

in that moment, i think "am i really cut out for this?" but that moment is gone when the kid is all dried up, happy to have accomplished something (however painful - for those 3 bars).

i'm grateful for parents too who stay away to let me battle it out with their kids!

all in all, i am blessed to do this! thank you my BIG DADDY!

i was looking for an old personal file on my computer and i found this (pasted below). i don't understand why i wrote this. where did this come from?!!?!? did i even write this??? i'm so weirded out...

The story begins where nobody can hear.

 

Have you ever sit in an empty room all by youself? Or worse, a room full of people, yet strangely still and empty. Yes, that’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re getting it.

 

Now picture this. This is where you’d find a Thomas. Yes, just A Thomas, a singular person whose name is Thomas.

 

Thomas likes to sit alone - whether in school or in his own small room - to ponder. Ponder, you say. What is he pondering about?

 

Well, Thomas likes to talk to his imagery friends who likes to ponder. So you see, it’s not exactly Thomas who is pondering.

 

The friends of Thomas are an opinionated - albeit invisible - bunch. They like to ponder and wonder. Thomas really likes to leave all his pondering and wondering to his friends. That way, he really doesn’t have to ponder or wonder at all!

 

One day, quite bored of his friends pondering and wondering so much around him, Thomas picked up his telephone and called “411.” That’s right, four-one-one: what you’d dial to get information on somebody’s telephone number.

 

“Hello, May I help you?” said a voice from the other end. Thomas replied “Hello there. This is Thomas.”

 

“Well, Thomas, may I help you find a number? Who are you trying to call?”

 

“I am not sure...I have all my friends here in the room, so I don’t need to call.”

 

“Thomas, how lucky you are to have all your friends in your room! Is today your birthday?”

 

“No it isn’t...May I ask you a question?”

 

“Why, aren’t you a polite little boy. Yes, what is it Thomas?”

 

“May I call you every day? I like making new friends.”

 

“Well, I suppose you can, Thomas. But whenever you dial 4-1-1, you will never reach the same person twice. Do you understand what I mean?”

 

“Yes, but do you think I can call this number every day?”

 

“Yes Thomas. You can. Well, you should go back to your friends, Thomas. They must be lonely without you.”

 

“Thank you...and good-bye!”

 

“Good bye Thomas.”

8:30 AM service is da best. it's totally quiet. not a soul stirring!

i am increasingly wrestling with my industry of "tooting your own horn AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE" while TRYING to live in a christ-like life (really...i AM trying, whether that's apparent or not). i feel so torn and lost whenever i am at work. i am increasingly not enjoying the work i do, as i feel it so...dead-ended (what's the real reward?) and really...useless in the big scheme of things. while i'm very good at my job, i no longer seem to be inspired to do the best i can, as i see it as "what's the use? it doesn't make sense in the long run anyway."

why am i becoming a pessimist???

how can i even be encouraging to the youngsters i deal with?

i am a walking hypocrite.

sigh.

i had one horribly graphic dream. now, graphic does not mean horror or gore or anything like that. rather, it was quite enlightening.

in the dream:

i was with friends - i can't remember any of them, except that i was in a group of really good friends, because i felt comfortable, loved and etc. etc.

then a person (male? female?) came up to me and said,

"you know, your chin is horribly misaligned. we must reset it and you're in luck! i actually happen to know how to do it."

i didn't believe this person. i said, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with my chin! it's just pointy, that's all."

and then other people around the group started to say "but it IS misaligned..." etc.

i felt so strange...not attacked, but somehow feeling that perhaps my perception of my chin was only MY reality. so i gave it a go - and i was FRIGHTENED.

so this person said "okay, try to loosen your jaw by putting your hands by your ears/cheeks and then i'll be cracking your chin. you may hear a big sound but do NOT - in under any circumstance - close your jaw! okay, we're all going to help here, so don't be frightened. it shouldn't hurt...i hope"

i was REALLY frightened and my heart was racing! but i said, okay i'll give it a try. and i kept going "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU"RE DOING???"

so i was basically held down by a group of people while this person worked on my chin and i kept thinking, i'm gonna be horribly disfigured and it's going to hurt horribly. then

!SNAP!

and that was it! and i was like, what? and they said "yup, it's done and it's now correct!" and i felt my teeth weren't as aligned as before, but suddenly i felt so much better and i didn't even feel any pain! i was just more scared of WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, instead of what actually happened.

then i woke up.

and i think i know what that was all about...

what a beautiful morning today was. and yes it was indeed full of GRACE.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Cor 12:9

that is one verse that i thought i understood, but i'm nowhere near it. yet i continue to strive to understand and to live on. i am thankful for his grace.

i don't remember any other time in my life that i've felt such hatred of people around me towards each other solely due to their political party-affiliations. all about the words "hope" and "change" were discarded early in the campaigns and it all became hate, hating the other side, hating whoever didn't believe you, hating whatever the opponents said.

i'm glad that this will be all over by tonight.

i was in a pretty intense meeting the other day at the office. new clients came in with their board members, secretaries, etc. etc.

in the middle of the meeting, we were discussing about another organization that sprouted out of this current one (let's call this company, Company A), by the same orchestra member. i was aghast hearing about this and i just couldn't get past that the Company A was a) okay with it and b) still employeed that orchestra member (who is now head of the Company B - doing exactly the same thing). the reason why the orchestra member went to create his own Company B was because he wanted to the principal in his section and after getting a huge inheritance money, he decided to form his own Company B (instead of - let's say - giving the inheritance money to Company A and perhaps benefiting the entire organization).

the meeting went on, but i couldn't resist but to comment on how wrong that action was and to my surprise, everyone in the room said "Why? cuz he saw the opportunity and created his own? We're not moral judges here - everybody can do whatever it suits them" and just went on with the meeting.

i don't know what but it got me really shocked. am i this naive? i don't understand why they don't think it's so wrong! i'd be so so upset with that orchestra member!!! but apparently not.

am i just really uptight? i don't get it! please enlighten me!

Psalm 94

The LORD Will Not Forsake His People

1O LORD, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!

2 Rise up, O judge of the earth; repay to the proud what they deserve!

3O LORD, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult?

4They pour out their arrogant words; all the evildoers boast.

5They crush your people, O LORD, and afflict your heritage.

6They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;

7 and they say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive."

8 Understand, O dullest of the people Fools, when will you be wise?

9 He who planted the ear, does he not hear?He who formed the eye, does he not see?

10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?He who teaches man knowledge

11 the LORD—knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath.

12 Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

13to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.

14For the LORD will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;

15for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who rises up for me against the wicked? Who stands up for me against evildoers?

17 If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

18When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.

19When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

20Can wicked rulers be allied with you, those who frame injustice by statute?

21They band together against the life of the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.

22But the LORD has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.

23He will bring back on them their iniquity and wipe them out for their wickedness; the LORD our God will wipe them out.

when there are leaves on the streets, i miss playing the piano.

when i feel the brilliant sun shining on the street corners, i really miss playing the piano, however that whole imagery is so so tres tres cliche.

when i savor a delicious dessert, i think "....this is so good! this is just as good as...playing the piano."

then i just read a blog by a pianist, and read all the technical jargons which i haven't had the pleasure (or agony?) of reading/hearing in the last - oh i don't know - years and it reminded me how much i miss playing the piano.

today a colleague of mine said "maybe we form a chamber group?" with what, i said. a ghost pianist? i have no piano. therefore i cannot practice. therefore i cannot play. will not play.

i think of the verse in Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

and i think...perhaps i idolized music (i'm substituting the word money with the word music) before. then i became a christian. now i don't even know how i would "take care" of my love for music, if i were to even have such an outlet.

i constantly feel torn between 2 things - it's never 3. it's always 2: this or that, be this or be that. i don't know.

i still have yet to grow up. i sometimes think that i have yet to reconcile with my love of and for God and my love for...the rest of the world.

i'm sore. the last 48 hrs has been full of physical activities. this is a testament to how out of shape i am.

on sunday after church, i had my usual pottery practice time. it's been very peaceful and almost serene to do hand work. it's been a blessing really. then i went on to biking in governor's island. that was not too bad. at least i didn't fall. but with retro bikes, they were hard. i wasn't too sore afterwards. i thought that was a good sign.

then last night, i had my first hand wheeling pottery class (still part of the same class). the teacher was showing us, step by step, how you mold, manipulate the clay. it looked SO EASY! i thought, wow, this is so much fun and easy. i'm going to go nuts.

3 hours later, splattered with clay, my arms, hands, fingers, shoulder blades, back, legs, everything was sore. forget biking. this is harder than any sport! i cannot believe how tiring hand wheeling is. it is not easy. it is not even remotely serene nor is it pleasant. usually during the 3 hr class, i take a break to munch on something or drink something. i could do neither. i was totally focused and still messed up 3 bowls - none of which were close to resembling a bowl. i was exhausted, splattered all over, just plain tired.

and the whole time i kept thinking isaiah 64:8

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

one thing about hand wheeling is that as you build you bowl (all starts out with a bowl, then to vases, mugs, what-have-yous), you have to keep an eye on the center and make sure the center does not get wobbly. it's a constant and tiring process. you cannot just hope that you just build it up (physically - taller) and that to your eye, it looks good, but it's not - it's lacking the core.

figuratively, i understand that verse. now that i'm the potter, i cannot fathom how our father has created, continues to mold us, tirelessly, to center us, to keep us from wobbling...wow, and he doesn't give up, does he!

so sore...

i played around with the new G1 today. i was gleeful.

in the end, i wasn't. i was not very impressed by it. yes, the touch screen is amazing (like iphone). yes the keyboard works very well with the screen (just like blackberry).  there's even a track ball (but conspicuously sticking out). but the entire shell-casing of this looks sooooo ghetto. not at all aesthetically pleasing. just haphazardly put together. plus you can't do any enterprise-based e-mails (no work emails), only web-based emails. so they have a bit of way to go.

i'm back from london. it was very refreshing. good meeting and of course, all that free time to see theatre, visit universities and friends.

was off in buffalo yesterday to do some stuff and was back in a jiffy for my pottery class.

visited a church with friends. i had forgotten what a contemporary worship was like - and i re-lived my old presbyterian church. this church was very lively with lots of love & positivity. sermon was purely narrative which can be very attractive. the church was filled with young people and of course, super-long worship (music) time. lots of (great) multi-media usage too.

but i missed my church's quietness and its gentleness. perhaps i'm getting old and i need the calmness, since i seldom find it internally. worshiping while jumping up and down isn't me anymore. hearing only the good news of jesus and his love (and no rebukes) isn't me anymore either.

one silvery hair made an very auspicious debut on my head yesterday. auspicious, indeed!

in my desire (...or just plain true lack there of?) to clean up some old e-mails in my inbox, i perused some very old e-mails - we're talking about 3-4 years ago. and then i realized this:

i was so immature, not only as a woman, but as a christian.

and the disheartening thing is this: i know that i still am (immature, that is).  reading back, i simply cannot believe some of the things that were happening in my life, only because i believe many important (and unimportant) issues were created equally by me and those around me, so we basically fed each other crap - not a true friendship, i'm afraid. and some people i called friends...i don't even know who they were/are. and how was i to them as well? probably just another "friend of the moment."

this question of "friendship" has plagued me all year long this calendar year: what is it to be a true friend? i'm approaching my grand birthday soon and again i am disheartened (there's no other word) to see that i really haven't grown. i tell myself to buck-up, stop drowning in self-disapproval etc, yet it's all true.

some have remarked that i can be extremely stoic. i used to think that's a good thing - always stoic, never flustered (at least not like the college years). but i'm beginning to think that this is not a good thing but really just a temporary wall of hurt, which never seem to be that temporary.

perhaps i idealized what friendship was: give & get unselfishly. i still feel that way. so many times, i wish i were rich so i can help out my financially unfortunate friends, because i want them not to feel the pain of it all. but most often, it seems like i've gotten the brunt of it all. i'm not victimizing myself - i am trying to see why i get myself in this situation where i feel that i helped out, but the recipients have told not only myself but other mutual friends that due to the fact that i'm essentially bossy, i'm ruining their lives. perhaps because i "give" in sense of time & sometimes monetary, that i should be like Mother Teresa and just open my arms and hug, and of course, stay on the sideline and be quiet? it makes me ANGRY to think that this is how one is treated, after giving, not because of expectation but because it's about SHARING.

in one example, today i shared with a friend about an old friend whom i had a very unbalanced and unhealthful relationship with. and he really abused me, in a way that he used me to be his pseudo-girlfriend but didn't respect enough to give me the room to not be dependent on him. and that was a "christian" friendship.

i don't know what i'm saying. i'm venting. i don't want to even see any of my old church friends or even talk to them. it makes me angry.

this is why i turn stoic. and i still don't know what to do about maintaining friendships. now i'm completely suspicious & paranoid. and most of all, i'm sad that in 5 years' time, i'll yet look once again to this time and say "i never learned anything."

proverbs 12:26

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

proverbs 13:20

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

KING: And belief -- belief is a tough thing to counter.

MAHER: Yes. And I understand why it's a luxury for some people who don't need it and why a lot of people are less fortunate, and they do need it. So we're not trying to point fingers in this movie. I think we do it -- we're laughing all the way through it. I think we're winking and having a good time, and we're not trying to be judgmental. But at some point, you know, mankind is going to have to shed this skin if he's going to move forward. I do have a serious intellectual problem with it. And on another level it just ticks me off. It's just the ultimate hustle. It's just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." You know, why can't they, I always ask -- I asked Jesus at Holy Land, "Why can't God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil?" You know, and it's the same reason the comic-book character can't get rid of his nemesis. Then there's no story. If God gets rid of the devil -- and he could, he's all powerful -- well, then there's no fear. There's no reason to come to church. There's no reason to pass the plate. We're all out of a job. You know, it's got to go on.

that was a part of the transcript from the Larry King Live i saw in vancouver. it was between larry king & bill maher.

i thought about it. how can i answer this? if someone asked me (and nobody has), what would i say? i really wouldn't know. so i consulted this book i have, called Evidence: That Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell. there's nothing in it about why god created evil and continues to let it flourish.

i asked a friend tonight: he said "because of free will?"

what's your take?

this picture is not far off from what/where i've been since friday night. that's right folks, it's the OLYMPIC time!

all i've been doing: watching olympics (usually from 8 PM), eating...watching...eating...eating...watching...

argh!

for the first time in 2 years, i had a REAL CHEESE (sorry, goat) today...LACTOSE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.lifetimecheese.com/products/LactoseFree.html is also a good link :)

Psalm 5

Lead Me in Your Righteousness

To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O LORD; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch. For you are not a God who delights in wickedness; evil may not dwell with you. The boastful shall not stand before your eyes; you hate all evildoers. You destroy those who speak lies; the LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man. But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love, will enter your house. I will bow down toward your holy temple in the fear of you. Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies; make your way straight before me. For there is no truth in their mouth; their inmost self is destruction; their throat is an open grave; they flatter with their tongue. Make them bear their guilt, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out, for they have rebelled against you. But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield.

i am truly blessed. as i walked around my good ol' neighborhood this morning, i had the sense of calm, sense of being blessed beyond i can ever want or need. the basic necessities of life has been granted by God and i am so thankful. praise praise god!

The trip was fun.

i vandalized the golden gate bridge by writing on the bridge: under the word CHRIST:

Steve

Jessica

Clara

June 2008

then onto the monterey bay aquarium to admire many of god's creations (in this instance, jellyfish)

then admired more of His Works at Monterey - the Lone Cypress. breathtaking.

i'm slowly getting excited about San Francisco/San Jose.

i'm excited that there's a possibility of me getting reacquainted with my friends Johanny and Fréd in that sunny state. (i'll have to bring some of them with me, if that's the case.)

:) :) :) :)

maybe i'm a cold person but i really don't understand this outpouring of love, etc. for the late tim russert. yes, he was fabulous. he seemed like a real genuine person.

but seriously, nothing else to cover? that, and tiger's knee surgery?

and i can't stand to read the newspaper these days. i don't know why, but i just want to escape from it all. i suspended my nytimes subscription for the next 2 weeks, only to revive after the 4th of july. and i'm giving my ipod a rest too.

Alex Fletcher: It doesn't have to be perfect. Just spit it out. They're just lyrics.
Sophie Fisher: "Just lyrics"?
Alex Fletcher: Lyrics are important. They're just not as important as melody.
Sophie Fisher: I really don't think you get it.
Alex Fletcher: Oh. You look angry. Click your pen.
Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the 2 that makes it magical.

this is a dialogue i remember from Music & Lyrics.

i so get it.

greetings from the mile-high city.

it is balmy and breezy without a hint of humidity, currently around 85 degrees. such a huge difference from home.

things are not going well - too many screw-ups by shipping companies so we're missing 4000 magazines. not a pretty sight to be around the grumpy londoners.

but, i was alone this morning, doing errands for the convention and i was thankful that last night's meeting was not confrontational and that we had a relaxing time greeting one another.

desperate times need desperate prayers. please pray for this week - that all will go smoothly. magazines to arrive tomorrow morning by FedEx. sigh. more expenses.

i probably won't have the time to enjoy anything, except to gaze from afar the magnificent mountains.

denver has some memories for me. i was here about 4 years ago serving a short-term mission, helping the homeless (due to the mild-nature of the weather year-around, there are high number of homeless FAMILIES around here). it was a lot of work, but a fruitful one.

this convention will be a lot of work, but not sure if it'll be fruitful, at least personally.

2 days down, 5 to go.

this does NOT work. i tried to be environmentally friendly. it does not work.

this works the best. do not buy others!

in Philly no less!

i cannot imagine the pull of the "tree of good and evil" for eve and adam. i cannot imagine what kind of temptation it had through the serpent. i don't even know if adam and eve knew of the FEAR of the lord, on listening and acting upon the serpent's temptation.

what i do know are my own temptations: temptation to be irritable, temptation to be impatient, temptation to blow-up, temptation to just move on, temptation to do all things ungodly.

david powlison said this:

You have been given God's grace and commanded by your Lord Jesus to give grace to all others. Whether married or single, male or female, child or parent, employee or boss, you live within a mutuality: one church, members of one body, brothers and sisters to one answer. You are a we. You are called to be patient, and constructive in every relationship....[everyone] ought to communicate openly, drawing on each other for help and perspective, seeking to understand and encourage each other, repenting of the sins that interfere. No superiority, no double standards.

this is super hard. It is so unhuman.

yet there are so many bodily references in the bible, among others, in Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and in Ephesians 4. it is told again and again that we are one in christ, one in each other, to love and respect and blah blah blah blah blah blah.

this is super duper hard. it is a true challenge.

i just wish that god had provided us with physical stress ball to throw, squeeze, and smash on. ARGH!

random thoughts:

i have many men in my life. father, brother, brothers in christ, nephew (plus 1 more coming in October), boss, teachers/pastors, students, etc.

i have many women in my life too, yet it seems that only men seek my ear often, especially of late.

especially lately, my heart has been burdened to pray for the men in my life.

today, i connected with a brother in christ in korea (serving in the military) via skype. it's been awhile. and him telling me of his life, it puts everything in perspective.

god is good to me. he gives me clarity and comfort through all situations.

and thank God for my men in my life.

today was a good day. in fact, this past week was amazing.

as of last monday, i felt so overwhelmed by all the (work) responsibilities, i decided to take a break from chatting, facebooking, blogging, and e-mailing. it was a decision made with a glad heart, and i am thankful for god's hand in my discernment and that it was indeed a wise one.

i've been at my job 11 years now (in fact, the tuesday after the memorial day is my work anniversary) and with that comes not only stability and thankfulness, but also frustration and impatience. this week, in order to prepare for my june denver trip, i've been working..furiously. yes, i actually use that word, as i felt like an overworked engine, frequently having to water (in my human case, junk food) the overheated engine (= brain). had i continued with my daily chattings, facebookings and such, i would've been unable to concentrate so fully on the job. i'm known as the queen of multitasking (not a princess, but a QUEEN) and i just had to admit to myself, something had to give this week. i apologize to all my friends for having "ditched them" for full 5-6 days!

but what a blessing it was and i am still fueled by that blessing. today after jetting from the sunday school, i went to a lecture by ron choong titled "the triune god: the god who is one."

i didn't expect to hear the name aristotle in a talk about the triunity of god. but how appropriate it was to learn about the kατηγορίαι katēgoriai, gregory of nyssa and why monotheism/unitarianism and tritheism are different (and wrong). there's not an easy way to explain all this. i highly encourage you all to read up on this!

** picture is taken by my bro on a beach of my sis-in-law and nephew. beauty of god and his creation is so evident in this yet...

today, i braved the supersoaker and went to barney's to sample rogan for target @ barney's.

and i was about 6 hrs too late.

all the goodies were gone. i asked a saleswoman (FYI: barney's is really incredible when it comes to the sales staff. i've shopped in different departments - when i can afford certain items - over the years and i've always had friendliest waitstaff there. they're incredibly efficient and helpful!) who empathized with me. Said "yeah, people were lined up outside of the store this morning at 9 AM. i'm afraid all normal sizes are gone" - that meant mostly L or XLs were left. people were scrambling like there's no tomorrow (think of a very messy scrambled egg cooking on your pan and you'll understand the feeling). i quickly just grabbed whatever i could and then retreated into a corner ("can i get a dressing room?" "yes, let's find one...here it is!" - again, so freakishly friendly) and tried them all on - and i didn't like any, except a pair of really cool black - leopard-print - jeans. she said "all the really cute dresses were gone by 9:30 AM." darn it! freakish NY shoppers!!!!

anyway, i scored - $39.99 for the jeans. not too shabby, i must say!

i am thankful this week.

i am thankful for beautiful weather god's given us - even though it's cloudy & rainy today, it's beautiful. thank you for your all your creation.

i am thankful for the consistency of my job and its environs. thank you for providing for me always.

i am thankful for my church's projects and its servants. thank you for guiding us.

i am thankful for the struggles of this week - i am totally lost on what friendship is all about. i am lost trying to reconcile that of god's word and that of this world in terms of how one should act and react.

i am thankful for his comforting words in romans 12 and 1 corinthians 12.

i am thankful that i know that i will grow after struggles. one of my fav verses:

...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

thank you for the hope.

Thrice, you rock. Thanks for the great time yesterday.

i was searching on my gmail account to see if i had any old links pasted in e-mails or chats to give to someone at my church re: some cool church websites as a model for ours.

then i came across and e-mail i wrote to a friend on january 9, 2006:

<<my daily communication with God for the last 4-5 months have been sporatic cries of "why is this happening to this church? please help us." (FOR CONTEXT: i was at a church that was dying) for the last month, i have hardly spoken to Him. i feel so dry & tired. i need SUPPORT. i need bible study, i need fellowship with believers, i need small group, i need the church that will be able to supply it ALL for me, however greedy i am! while i'm tired & sad, i am also on the verge of excitement that i'll find a new church and that it'll be an exciting time for me, a dormant SeaPea to really once again learn & be of help to a church and of course, most of all, to myself. >>

it got me sooooo happy that God heard my cries! :)

i have many friends in their 20's who are single. i have almost none in the 30's.

i thought about how i felt in my early 20's:

• i wanted bf really badly. that's all i wanted. i'd play cool, but the bottom line was, i wanted a bf.
• i really wanted to look good for the opposite sex. i worked hard for it: worked out, watched my diet, made sure i was all "in" and "cute" in terms of latest fashion, gadgets, etc.
• i used to take baths - just for no reason and prolly cuz i had so much time to waste.
• i wanted to be rich and impress people.
• i knew of christ - but i wasn't his.

now, i'm semi-mature in my 30's, here's my advice to all my young friends:

• it's okay to want a bf or a gf. just don't try to make an idol out of that (i know you can't help it, but pray for discernment...and with help controlling your hormones!). and just because you're a devout christian does not immune you from sexual urges - so be aware. awareness is a key to understanding temptations.
• beauty is so fleeting - and the standard of beauty changes constantly. have your own standard of beauty. how does s/he look to you when they're out drinking and partying? how does s/he look to you when they're worshipping and be glorified in god?
• it's okay to be want to become rich. just don't try to focus on that goal solely and god will provide - so you won't be destitute etc. ambition is an admirable thing, i think, because that comes with discipline. if you have the discipline to be ambitious, you have the discipline to follow christ
• have friends who are older than you (perhaps not wiser than you, as they're still learning too) and try to listen and follow their advice. it's not in vain that they give their voices to you

i had a grown woman, in her 50's, who friended to me in my freshman year of school and she still is, perhaps not as close as before. but she invited me to her house, had me interact with her family, and she gave me some practical advice, but since she wasn't a christian, she didn't guide me with christ's words. but even that was such a blessing to me, a 17/18 year old girl in a city who didn't know anybody. so with fondness i remember of her kindness as i try to open my life to my young friends.

wouldn't it be great if we always listened to the wise and the older? by the time we usually realize this, we're in our 50's, 60's. we human beings are too proud, too self-sufficient. i hope my young friends will take advantage of their fellow (but older) brothers and sisters at church to ask questions and to ask advice. that's what a real community's for.

i am finally able to sit down one night and write about my 2 trips to other churches in the last couple of weeks.

first, surprisingly i found a church in utrecht, netherlands. yes, i was in that lovely small town of canals and such and good ol' google netherlands found me an english speaking church that just happened to be an anglican one!

it's called the Holy Trinity Utrecht Anglican Church. i went on April 6th, the day i was leaving the netherlands. it wasn't hard to find - thanks to good ol' google map on my blackberry (yes, it's quite international!).

i had high hopes for this church. but it completely failed.

i just wanted to worship and be in God's presence. but what do i get? i get the following:

• some hymns (okay, an okay start)


• a prayer of penitence:
  Jesus Christ, risen Master and triumphant Lord, we come to you in sorrow for our sins, and confess to you our weakness and unbelief. We have lived by our own strength, and not by the power of your resurrection. In your mercy, forgive us. Lord, hear us and help us. We have lived by the light of our own eyes, as faithless and not believing. In your mercy, forgive us. Lord, hear us and help us. We have lived for this world alone, and doubted our home in heaven. In your mercy, forgive us. Lord, hear us and help us. May the God of love and power forgive you and free you from your sins, heal and strengthen you by his Spirit, and raise you to new life in Christ our Lord. Amen.


• we listened to some reading from Acts 2


• and then came on the program called "the Talk.
  it should actually be called "an interactive 3 min conversation." suddenly, one of the musicians rose - who was wearing the collar - and started to converse with us in the pews! and he pointed to the stained glasses telling us to observe what has happened during Easter and asked questions. and that was it.
  
• declaration of faith:
  We believe in God the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named. We believe in God the Son, who lives in our hearts through faith, and fills us with his love. We believe in God the Holy Spirit, who strengthens us with power from on high. We believe in one God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.

(btw, i'm getting all these from the church of england website)

• anyhoo, then communion, from which EVERYBODY drank from the wine cup! i dipped mine. shudder.


• THEN!!!! it said in the program "the president pronounces the Blessings." and i was like huh? well, they literally said "Happy birthday Annie! Happy birhday Jonnie!" etc. - except they SANG the HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS SO NOT RIGHT! i was flabbergasted. SO STRANGE!
  

then...the benediction. just so so strange. if i ever go back to utrecht for some biz, i'm not going back there. i just left there literally scratching my head and not at all in commune with God! hmph.

a couple of weeks ago, a thousands miles away from utrecht, i attended a PCUSA church in Franklin, TN, because i was visiting my old church's pastor's family who had relocated to there. it's called the crossroads ministry and it's relatively young. thank the lord that they didn't sing happy birthday. what the heck!??! i still can't get over it. anyway, it was a nice service and all (but no communion :(...) but...the point of this blog is to say...

I REALLY MISSED MY CHURCH! even though i was back this past weekend, i couldn't attend the service due to my commitment to the sunday school. and i'll be missing it again this coming weekend because i'm going to visit my fav (and only) nephew's 2nd birthday. here's the latest photo.


GOD BLESS!

i was looking at this link and then this...

am i crazy? this is NUTS! (see the bold text below)

Voting
One of the most important privileges of democracy in the United States of America is the right to participate in choosing elected officials through voting. As a Permanent Resident you can only vote in local and state elections that do not require you to be a US citizen. It is very important that you do not vote in national, state or local elections that require a voter to be a US citizen when you are not a US citizen. There are criminal penalties for voting when you are not a US citizen and it is a requirement for voting. You can be removed (deported) from the US if you vote in elections limited to US citizens.

what the heck?? so if i made a mistake of voting and then they're like HOW DARE YOU VOTE, YOU'RE NOT EVEN A CITIZEN, YOU OFFEND US, NOW YOU MUST LEAVE!!!!

greetings from franklin, TN where all i've been doing a) talking and b) eating. today's lunch hi-lite: cracker barrel's Chicken BLT ("Your choice of our own chicken tenderloin grilled or fried along with thick sliced bacon and two slices of melting Colby cheese.") - of course, mine was w/o the cheese nor tomato. YUM!!!!! i never thought fried chicken & strips of bacon would go so well. and then afterwards, we toured the "downtown" nashville...i say "downtown" because it's even smaller than astoria, queens....yess'um, it shure is...
BBQ tomorrow, so stay tuned!
P.S. today's touristic hi-lite: posing with elvis

good bye dutch fries on the street!

and hello BBQ & other fatties in Franklin, TN!

greetings from amsterdam, where it's been sunny, grey, rainy, hot and cold - all at once at all times. it's light until about 9 PM at night (i guess because it's pretty up there) and it's just a city to be lost in, a city to enjoy everything in smaller scales.

my cold has finally escaped me, thanks to some 500 mgs of antibiotics. and of course, no jet lag due to...NO JET LAG! sure i was a bit tired yesterday but i was fine after a hot shower and delicious pancakes.

i went on the canal cruise, and ate a delicious meal and went to bed at the normal time.

today was a busy day: i woke up naturally to a great dutch b'fast provided by the hotel and headed out to Rijksmuseum and then right next to it, the venerable Van Gogh museum where i saw a stunning painting which i've never seen before. i can't even describe the color correctly. i just wanted to be embraced by this painting. have a look:

it's called the Almond Blossom and this was a present to celebrate his brother & sister-in-law's newborn. it moved me.

after such moving exhibitions, i walked to this hilarious & small exhibition. i will have to post pictures soon, but suffice to say that i was enjoying this museum pretty by myself, except 4 accompanying cats. ha ha!

then i went to the flower market by the canals - so many tulips! flowers! :)

then i walked to the Rembrandt's house/museum. what a great house! did you know that in the 17th century, people used to sleep in box beds...which are about 3/4 length of an average person today. so you may think: were they that short? yes and no: while they were shorter back then, they also thought sleeping fully horizontal meant blood vessels popping in their heads so they reclined while sleeping - how uncomfortable!!!!! i'm glad i'm not in the 17th century right now, i'll tell you that much.

and then i went to the BIBLE MUSEUM in this european sin city. pretty unbelievable knowing that this is a city that's so so open to so many sinful things, yet here it is, an international BIBLE museum. how funny! it was quite informative - heavily on Old Testament. i forgot that the netherlands had a very important reformed movement.

and finally to my last museum outtings...the anne frank house. i highly recommend this tour to anybody going over to europe for any reason. this place moved me beyond words and i was teary the entire time i was there, while i was climbing the stairs she climbed, looking at the pictures she looked (on her walls), reading what she wrote in the journals, etc. it simply amazes me again the ugliness and deranged beliefs by the nazis.

that concludes my busy but relaxing day - interrupted by frequent cafe stoppings.

to be continued as i travel to Utrecht tomorrow!

the first sign of aging isn't your body parts trying to fight gravity - it's the hands. the skin on the hands is first to go and i'm suddenly experiencing very very dry hands. most of you know that i'm a bit freakish about protecting my hands, be it wearing different rubber gloves (of a certain kind) when doing dishes, cleaning, or wearing different colored cashmere or leather gloves almost 9 months of the year, i'm a bit particular. i never ever put nail polishes on my fingernails nor do i get a manicure to take care of my nails. just has to be protective of the wind, temperature, etc.

so i'm sadden to report that nightly hand creaming isn't very effective when your skin on hands is drying up naturally. my skin is a bit chapped - poor hands.

any good solutions? aside from hoppin on a time machine to get youthful hands?

in a sad attempt to deflect the responsibility of packing, i've reorganized my closet...and to realize that i have too many t-shirts. i'm not a t-shirt kinda gal. i'm giving them all to salvation army except my Roots, Juilliard, Star Trek, Yankees, CBGB, RCMP, Linkin Park....okay so not that many are to be given away. BUT NO MORE T-SHIRTS!!!!!! okay, except for a THRICE shirt...

i'm a bit obsessed with ENCHANTED right now and this morning, i can't get this song outta my head. have a looksee on youtube. but here's the lyrics:

(A Capella, Giselle)
How does she know you love her?
How does she know she's yours?
(Marlon Saunders - Calypso Singer)
How does she know that you love her?
(Giselle)
How do you show her you love her?
(Together)
How does she know that you really really truly love her?
How does she know that you love her?
How do you show *her* you love her?
How does she know that you really really truly love her?
(Giselle)
It's not enough to take the one you love granted
You must remind her or she'll be inclined to say
"How do I know he loves me?
How do I know he's mine?"

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is Grey?
He'll find a new way to show you a little bit every day
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love

(Calypso Singer)
You got to show her you need her
Don't treat her like a mind reader
Each little something to lead her to believe you love her

(Giselle)
Everybody wants to live happily ever after
Everybody wants to know their true love is true
How do you know he loves you?
How do you know he's yours?

Well does he take you out dancing just so he can hold you close?
Dedicate a song with words meant just for you?
He'll find *someway* to tell you with the little things he'll do
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love
He's your love

That's how you know he loves you
That's how you know it's true

Because he'll wear your favorite color just so he can match your eyes
Plan a private picnic by the fire's glow
His heart will be yours forever
Something everyday will show
That's how you know (x5)
That's how you know he's your love
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love