when there are leaves on the streets, i miss playing the piano.

when i feel the brilliant sun shining on the street corners, i really miss playing the piano, however that whole imagery is so so tres tres cliche.

when i savor a delicious dessert, i think "....this is so good! this is just as good as...playing the piano."

then i just read a blog by a pianist, and read all the technical jargons which i haven't had the pleasure (or agony?) of reading/hearing in the last - oh i don't know - years and it reminded me how much i miss playing the piano.

today a colleague of mine said "maybe we form a chamber group?" with what, i said. a ghost pianist? i have no piano. therefore i cannot practice. therefore i cannot play. will not play.

i think of the verse in Matthew 6:24:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

and i think...perhaps i idolized music (i'm substituting the word money with the word music) before. then i became a christian. now i don't even know how i would "take care" of my love for music, if i were to even have such an outlet.

i constantly feel torn between 2 things - it's never 3. it's always 2: this or that, be this or be that. i don't know.

i still have yet to grow up. i sometimes think that i have yet to reconcile with my love of and for God and my love for...the rest of the world.